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Tribute for my mother, Naveeta Ram

"Digging back into my history, I had taken the steps of working backwards and revealing in my poetry collection, my effort to locate the things that were withheld from me as an inner girl, hope and healing. Sharing details of the year approaching my mother's death and the aftermath. Reaching through old memories and personal encounters as I learn my time has run out to cherish her."

Our room

The abrupt waking up after the sun hit your bedroom window

The sun shined like a flashlight, startling me 

Adjusting my eyes to the clutter in front of me,

I look to gain relief

Not from the objects themselves, 

But the fact your illness has brought this upon us

Your laziness

Finally letting me be the caretaker

I find comfort in you, 

As you rest, the objects which had also been surrounded by you

Have been the closest thing to your touch I have.  


Our battle

Your emotions tended to make you feel week

Applying with the rules of love,

I look past that, through you

Seeing how all these emotions make you the strongest person in the room

Even when storming out during your stubborn moments

I still wanted to breathe for you, as you have for me

Through our battle, 

I realized our defeat had nobody to blame on,

Not the doctors, nurses, nor my father

Your last, final moments of your hooray of life

Spent collapsing in suffocation, but being set free

Our last, final moments, rushing to fit into the empty room in my brain
Overpowering, suffocating me 

Soft thorns

A compression of emotions suffocating me

Into silence 

Emotions poking out of me like thorns

Waiting to snag you by your skin

Just enough for your light to shine on me 

And you do

But within the surface, I look soft

Not enough for you to see my sharp edges


At the speed of light

I have stayed at my lowest

Feeling 10 feet buried in the ground

Becoming one with the ground

Sprouting roots of happiness of my own

Spreading through my body like the nerves

Which sparked whenever our smiles had matched



For whatever reason, your brown eyes

Whenever matched with mine 

Had felt almost perfectly aligned 

With even the tiniest glimpse

The lock of our eyes,

Digs into my darkness, miles where I, myself don’t explore

The sparks which we created, start to explode out of me

Reminding me, my heart isn’t as cold as the ice

That surrounds me this winter, our winter love

The passageway

This isn’t new

The feeling of everything while nothing

Emotions leaving with my sweat

My energy which feels neverending

Almost bottomless

To the skin cells which had the memory of your touch

It had left also

Carrying on my passage, 

Which should have been with you


Petals (flower girl)

Walking down the aisle

Heart pounding out of my chest

Waiting for someone 

to complain how it beats louder than the music,

That rings in my ear with each step

As I make my way down to you

You are the one which is surrounded by the crowd, the light

And I realize, you are the person I want to go down with,

Before you start making your way without me


Pure bliss

Pure Bliss, heavenly 

A feeling I can confirm, I haven’t reached since you

Since you had been my heaven on earth

Surviving, more than living to get you back to me

Flipping through all the words in my head, 

The chapters of you, stored in my mind

Trying to find what I could possibly say for you to appear

In my distance


Therapy Sessions

Having to dig deeper

Gave me a headache

The throbbing from all the destruction

Breaking down so much pain just for memories

Which roll out of my hands 

Like a ball we toss back and forth

In therapy sessions digging like we’re in a garden

For memories of you 

My hidden Self

The side of me which I choose to never face in the mirror

Or dig into like a dog in dirt

Only when I am alone, I notice all the very things I had been running from

Had still been chasing after me

I look into my eyes, and all the hurt behind them

As for pain cannot excuse behaviour

I hope you cannot feel the lies from my pain

Which crawl through all the empty cracks in my body

But I know you see the best of me

But for my true self, my hidden self

I allow myself to keep running

At the end of the hallway


The only way to describe my atmosphere of the classroom

Which you had dropped me off in every morning 

Through all seasons, you had always been waiting for me

At the end of the hallway, for my arrival

Patient enough for me

But seemed to always be absent at the dinner table

Which gave me enough to understand 

We had only so much time to share 

Which had been taken for granted


Dinner Table 

Not one word exchanged 

For our forgiveness comes faster than spoken words

I start to realize 

The table and I only have one thing in common

Awaiting for your presence

My plate beneath me, food being poked into through boredom 

I realize as I eat alone

You had left without saying goodbye 

Without a final touch to reflect on


Shower thoughts

Steam surrounding me, the smiley faces I last drew on the glass

Start to appear again

I had tried to dig for what used to make me smile

Like you always said

“I’ll get better”

And it had been that, your false hope

I had started my own false hope

Hoping maybe things will fall into place

But once I started living without you

Nothing gave me enough to feel better

So false hope replaced that

My hidden blemishes

Your absence starts to grow on me like a butterfly bush

Emotions whipping through my body and mind, 

Vast and abrupt

The wound which evolved from your distance, grows deeper

Even though you aren’t even here to cut me deeper,

Its fed with your distant memories which 

Cross my mind more than I’d like

But I whimper in hope I’m loud enough

For you to hear me from above

And see what the surface level cannot notice

My hidden blemishes 



Overtime everything regenerates

Skin cells regenerate with the help of healing with Vitamin C

But you had been my vitamin, my healing

But what seems to finally heal are those cuts of mine

Self caused, but having to fight myself

Is never fun


For the first time

The simple sight of your eyes

Had my insides flutter with emotions

The warmth feeling undeniably there

Even in the coldest winter

Our shared love had engulfed my brain

My thoughts

My beating heart

Engulfed by the flames of you


Poem 1 - Ocean Blue Eyes


As I see you come around the corner

I can’t help but stare

The eyes you hold, how they are so alike 

to the ocean blue color

They hit me differently every time


As I try not to stare

You make me feel a different type of acceleration

So I cannot help but look


Your touch, the feel against you on my skin

Arises chills and strands hair

For almost anyone, I bet it is different

But for the feeling that you create when you are around
It is unique


Until the day I make a move and something happens

The impossible turns into possible

I will wait.

And think of you in my heart


Poem 2 - Pain even when you’re in Heaven


The pain you have healed for me is remarkable

But the pain you have caused is not ignorable

Though everyone says time heals pain

Time has done the opposite


As tears fall down my cheek so slow

While I wait for the time and pain to pass away 

Almost as fast as you came into my life and left


With so little memories

And so little time and words shared

I have to dig deeper everytime I try to find 

Something of you

Something that connects, that makes me feel

But I know soon enough

I will soon no longer be able to do so


I am barely prepared to go through the world without you

But I know your always watching 


My love for you is untenable

I will fight till whenever just to see you again


Poem 3 - Drowning


The love you give

Comes in waves

I myself do not know how to swim

Therefore I drown in all your love lies


I try to bring myself up

With all of my strength

But I still fail


With you, I still fail 

I fail everyday

Falling for your love lies 

I know myself this is the wrong thing


But as long as I breathe with my own breath

Walk with my own legs

And float with my own arms

I am still myself


My mind is only filled with your love lies

Every spot containing at least one

And as I try to forget one

They all rush back in like waves

And I drown

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